Methodist Schismatics

Not hours after the conservatives cleaned the liberals' clocks at Methodism's recent General Conference, two phrases began circulating among a few of the conservative delegates themselves: "irreconcilable differences" and "amicable divorce." Say what? By then, you might have imagined that liberals were entertaining thoughts of schism. But conservatives?

As expected, everything went the conservatives' way on the one big issue of this Conference: gays and lesbians in the church. Homosexual behavior was denounced once again, as were ordaining and marrying gays and lesbians. Further still, failure to live up to the ideals of faithfulness in marriage and celibacy in singleness got newly defined as "chargeable offenses" against clergypersons. What more could conservatives have wanted?

It is hard to know for sure, but the kind of thinking that informs conservative Methodist movements in general provides more than just vague clues. It is a kind of thinking that is from first to last anchored in taking the Bible as the inerrant foundation of faith and life, and in respecting those traditions of belief, worship, and behavior that conform to scriptural rather than to cultural standards. The forty-one delegates who voted against a General Conference unity resolution (869 voted for it) appear to hold some version of the belief that United Methodism has lost its scriptural bearings irreparably. They believe this so strongly that they say they are going to spend the next four years persuading other Methodists toward schism.

Ok, folks: take your best shot. If you and your followers-to-be are really serious about this, then I have some suggestions for how you might construct a more internally consistent biblical theology for your new church than the theology of our present one. How about beginning with just five issues, and perhaps moving on from there?

The first has to do with sex. If I understand correctly the way you read the Bible, then it seems clear that you could find in it no double standard on this matter. In specific, what you have been requiring from the clergy with respect to sexual behavior, you will have to require from the laity too. The implication is obvious: in your new church, you should have a process for conducting regular and fair-minded reviews of the sexual conduct of all your members, clergy and lay, married and single.

Second, on the basis of this same principle, and since your new church will already exclude homosexuals from the ordained ministry and deny same-sex cermonies and weddings, your next step should be to get rid of all that other stuff in our present Book of Discipline that talks about respecting homosexuals as persons. Then you can get them out of your congregations altogether.

Third, there is the matter of divorce. Read from your perspective, the Bible offers a clear basis for addressing it: make divorce also a chargeable offense for clergy and laity alike. Marshall the texts that are right in front of everybody's noses, and defy anyone put off by them (divorced members in particular can be testy about this topic) to show why a truly scripture-based faith should not come down hard on divorce. Perhaps you could start by prohibiting re-marriage, and then work back from there. After all, the Bible does say one strike and you're out, doesn't it?

Fourth, especially for those of you who are ecumenically-minded, you should propose an end to the ordination of women. This practice is killing us with the Roman and Orthodox churches, whose leaders think we are stupid and apostate to have let this go on for so long. Have we forgotten that Paul silenced women in his own churches?

Finally, you should strike a bold note for ending another practice that is sucking the life out of us as spiritual beings, the practice of usury: charging interest on money borrowed. No matter that it is the basis of all modern economic systems. The Bible flatly forbids the practice, and so did the church, before it started putting relevance ahead of faithfulness. It is no wonder that conservative Muslims excoriate Western values so vehemently today. They understand our Bible better than we do!

Once you begin to take up all these issues in earnest, you will find many others out there willing to give your new denomination a try. Personally, though, I think I'll just stick with the one we've got. It's not very pure, doctrinally, or in any other way for that matter. And it certainly isn't much of a substitute for the Kingdom. But somehow I doubt that yours is going to be much better. You people are too much like the rest of us.