Christian Marriage Today: The Promise

It is little wonder that the institution of marriage, even among Christians, is in trouble these days. Too many people want too many good things out of marriage relationships, whether in their first, second, or however many. And too many people put too little of themselves into any of them.

When neither partner is contributing, an end to marital frustrations is often just around the corner, at the courthouse. When one partner is contributing and the other isn't, an end to the misery may not be in sight at all. The one won't get out, and the other won't get in.

A lot marriage counselors insist that whatever happens in a marriage happens because of what both partners do and do not do, not just one or the other. I've never thought much of this dogma. Consider adultery, for example, or abuse, by one partner and not the other. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know: the victimized partner usually can do at least something to de-motivate the other's wayward behaviors. But does this mean that the victimized partner should somehow share the blame? I know a lot of genuine victims of bad marriages who continue to think so. I don't agree with them. And neither should their victimizing spouses, the best of whom are now former spouses.

Most marital problems start with at least one partner's selfishness, disguised adroitly during courtship. Unless, of course, the mating rituals are public affairs on "Reality TV." (This latter should become the primary definition of "oxymoron.") The unstated Declaration of Intent goes like this: I want what I want when I want it, and I am marrying you to give it to me. What begins in selfishness ends in hopelessness --- I will never get what I want from you and I will never be able to give you what you want from me. To love and to cherish? To crave and to criticize is more like it.

Over against this rather curmudgeonly assessment of marriage today still stands, proudly, a Christian perspective that continues to offer a great deal of encouragement --- realistic encouragement --- about the future of marriage, on the far side of premature commitments made in the absence of either maturity, character, or both. Here are three encouragers that I think are worth every genuinely committed couple's taking to the altar.

(1) From a Christian perspective, it makes sense for couples to keep on trusting that each partner in marriage can and will receive acceptance and support as an individual with needs and wants that are worthy of both partners' respect. Why? Because the cherishing of individuality is at the very center of God's love. We only have to experience just a little of it coming from God to want to give a lot of it to our partners, whom he loves more perfectly than we ever can.

(2) From a Christian perspective, it makes sense for couples to keep on risking that faithful and warm companionship is a better bet than fleeting and hot adventure, no matter what society says about always keeping our fires burning, at home and everywhere else. Why? Because the kind of life that our excitement-centered, in-the-present society offers its adrenalin-addicted members can only be an affront to God's call to partnership with him in tending the creation caringly. Keeping the juices flowing in the privacy of our bedrooms is good. Breaking bread around our family tables, and with strangers beyond our doors, is even better.

(3) From a Christian perspective, it makes sense for couples to keep on planning for a meaningful future that will outlast them, through their children, their contributions, and their prayers. Why? Because the future that is finally in God's hands is also a future which God invites us to help him bring about, joyfully. The real "War on Terrorism" is indeed jihad, in the Q'uran's major use of the word as an inner struggle of the soul. It is a struggle against the terror of the future that self-centeredness never fails to enflame, and other-centeredness never fails to extinguish.

Traditionally understood, marriage bears humanity's hopes for the continuity of the generations and the stability of society. Today, the marriage relationship revolves more around the happiness of the partners in it. Both understandings are valid and important. To them we can add a third. Hearth and home, and the bedroom at their center, are places to practice grateful love in a way that leads to a greater lovingkindness toward and in all. More even than children, the real "fruits" of marriage are the qualities of character by which couples give of themselves not only to each other, but also and especially to God's least and lost.